Guava is getting crushed, again

After much consideration, I felt that this is something that I needed to do.

So here goes.

This is a reflection on the past year, and also a tribute to my mum, who took her final breath on Sunday the 4th of November at 2.15pm, after a year-long struggle with ovarian cancer. Today is one year to the day that she was diagnosed with stage 3b ovarian cancer.

It has been a difficult year for my family, from the moment she was first diagnosed and not telling me as I was still having my exams at the end of last year, then steadily seeing her decline in the way that she did, seeing her suffer, day-to-day, yet, without a single complaint. The first few months, which coincided with me being back for the summer holidays, were, on hindsight, the best months of the lot, when she was still up and about, albeit in constant pain, but since she was at home more often, I was able to spend some good mother-son time with her, time that was very limited before that, as she was always working, and I'm very glad for that.

Going back to Melbourne for semester 5 was in a way, a curse, but also a blessing for me. Being surrounded by friends from uni and from college, I was able to take my mind away from the problem at hand. But not thinking about the problem does not make the problem go away, and the worry was always there, eating away inside me. And it also was difficult for me knowing that I wasn't at home with her as she went through all the suffering.

The midyear break was another chance to spend some time with her, accompanying her to Singapore to see a specialist, accompanying her when she was around the house.

And then I had to leave for my AMS year. And it was then that her condition really deteriorated so much in so short a time. The last few months of the life was spent in the hospital, and apparently she only returned home once every 2 or so weeks, as she was very weak, and very vulnerable to infection.

I did get to return for 2 weeks sometime during the midsemester break, and in hindsight, it was a very good decision, as it was the last time I actually spoke to her. After that, when I was in Melbourne, and was calling back every 2 days or so, I only got to speak a few words with her every time, as she was always tired and talking on the phone was difficult for her as well. I remember the last time that I spoke to her was on Tuesday last week, and I only spoke to her for about 10 seconds, as she had mouth ulcer and couldn't really speak.

It was a journey, of sorts, for me, from the time that my dad smsed me on Friday morning to tell me to book a flight back asap; arriving in KL on Saturday morning; reaching Hospital Selayang slightly after that and seeing her breathing through the oxygen mask, unconscious; my dad making the decision that we would bring her home the day after and letting her rest at home, seeing that we thought that she wasn't going to be able to make it; to her finally taking her last breath on her own bed at home.

It is in this last year that I learnt the importants of small victories in the face of a big disaster, which is a way of helping you cope with dealing with the pain. We all hoped for days that she felt better, and then we would all too feel happier.

Now that she is gone, I would like that she be remembered in our hearts always, for all the good times and also the bad times. How she was a mother, wife, sister, daughter, to everyone of us.

And I would just like to end this with the last words that I said to her on Tuesday.

Take care mummy, I love you.